Author: My publisher won’t let me get any rest and wants me to publish this new book and pay me more than the last time and wants to know what I used to do for a living? Interest you should ask. My first job in 1969 right after graduating from High School was to go to work as a security guard.

Lacking any particular skills this seemed a good way to generate some temporary income. My boss Martin drove me to the edge of the Everglades and showed me this block long apartment building under construction. Martin explained it was my job to make sure nobody steals the building and then pick him up in 12 hours. A simple task to be sure.
So I am sitting in the Martin’s new car with the shotgun across my lap listening to the Beach Boys on the radio and watching the sun go down. As the sun slowly sank into the vast field of grass which comprises the Everglades the little mosquitoes began to rise on their nightly forage for fresh food. Naturally I had to roll up the window to keep the skeeters out; it got kind of hot and stuff and I must have dosed off.

I was awakened about 2 in the morning by the sound of a huge explosion. Something major has just blow up right near by. The outside lights are on and everything looks peaceful enough but I am sure a major explosion has just occurred right near by. Sure enough as I became awake I realized my finger must have scratched over the trigger of the shotgun which left a hole in the car door like an artillery round. The white stuff floating down appears to be the remains of the ownership and title papers which were stuffed in the door pocket.

So do you wake up your boss at 2 AM and explain you just shot his new car or let him get a good night’s sleep? So I drove to Martin’s house bright and early the next day and there is Martin standing on the side of the road motioning me to hurry up. As I turned into the drive way Martin was able to clearly see the huge hole in the car door and asked: ”Chris who shot my car?”

I explained the accident that happened last night and Martin explained he had put a round in the shotgun and wanted to know why I hadn’t put the gun on safety? I said “safety like in football?” So the problem was resolved when I agreed to pay for half the damages which was only $53.00 and kept working for Martin for quite a while. Martin kept asking me if I was related to a law officer named Deputy Barney Fife somewhere in North Carolina and wouldn’t let me have the car, no more bullets and gave me a quarter for the phone if anything went wrong. Just when I was feeling so bad that other security guard did that terrible thing which made the newspaper. It perked up my spirits to know that someone actually screwed up work than I did.

The article appeared in the Miami Herald and I believe it explained the security guard in question worked for a large International Firm known as the “Wackenhut Corporation”. Apparently the guard was supposed to patrol a supermarket. The guard walks endlessly up the isles; down the isles; mile upon endless mile across the vast linoleum desert. Basically the guard is a living sign which suggest that persons with a dishonest nature should shop elsewhere. Hour upon endless hour the guard walked past the tater chips; down the soda isle; flirts with a cute clerk; and then on and on and on…..

As chance would have while passing the steak department the guard noted a Cuban man standing right in front of the steaks holding his hand over a lump in his lower right shirt. The guard explained: “I am sorry sir you will have to put the steak down the leave the store”.

The Cuban man explained: Ke Passa Senior no comprenende Englase.

The guard answered: “I know all you folks speak English so simply put the steak back and leave”

A small crowd of shoppers have stopped and there is going to be a scene. The Cuban man starts to walk off and the guard reaches in his shirt and whips the steak out. 3 things occur in unexpected order.

The Cuban man heads straight for the floor screaming; all the shoppers are looking at the guard with a look of horror and the guard noted the steak feels kind of squishy. The security guard had never seen a colon or bowel bypass bag before and he just ripped out of the guy’s side.

Golly that sure does sound painful. As good fortune the story has a very happy ending. When the Cuban man’s attorney called the guard company attorney some time later the lawyer suggested a settlement. The lawyer explained his client didn’t have a legal leg to stand on would have to change their corporate name; move their assets; and suffer endless problems. The lawyer asked the Cuban man to consider a fair solution. According to the Miami Herald the Cuban Man was offered a position on the Board of Directors for life, cash money, company stocks, and other compensations.

The owner of the Corporation George Wackenhut explained he had created a new rule: ” If you didn’t see them take it then didn’t steal it” A picture of the late Mr. Wackenhut with his favorite shotgun appears on the next page.

About the same time the State of Florida decided that the security industry was “Armed and Extremely Dangerous” and passed legislation that security guards must get a background check; training in the laws and a few other things to prevent future problems.