The Mayberry State Hospital announced in light of budget cuts it has reorganized emergency phone menu to better assist clients:

If you are obsessive-compulsive; press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent; please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If have multiple personalities; press 3 , 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid; we know who you are and what you want, stay on line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional; press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic; listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive; hang up. It doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic: press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar; please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss; please dial 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9, If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem; please hang up. Our operator are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal; put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde; don’t press any buttons. You’ll just mess it up.