Wisdom of Old Age
My Dogs Get Welfare
This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for Welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".
So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddys are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty
because they are dogs. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn this is a great country.
Maxine On Immigration Reform In Arizona
I bought a bird feeder. I hung It on my back porch and filled It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the Continuous flow of free and Easily accessible food.
But then the birds started Building nests in the boards Of the patio, above the table, And next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was Everywhere: on the patio tile,The chairs, the table ..Everywhere!
Then some of the birds Turned mean. They would Dive bomb me and try to Peck me even though I had Fed them out of my own
Pocket. And others birds were Boisterous and loud. They Sat on the feeder and Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night And demanded that I fill it When it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the Bird feeder and in three days The birds were gone. I cleaned Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built All over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like It used to be .... Quiet, serene.... And no one demanding their Rights to a free meal.Now let's see.
Our government gives out Free food, subsidized housing, Free medical care and free Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic Citizen.
Then the illegal's came by the Tens of thousands. Suddenly Our taxes went up to pay for Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you Have to wait 6 hours to be seen By an emergency room doctor; Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because Corn Flakes now come in a Bilingual box; I have to 'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and People waving flags other Than 'Old Glory' are Squawking and screaming In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties. Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government To take down the bird feeder.
If you agree, pass it on; if not,Just continue cleaning up the poop
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What Problem?
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, and alligators attacking people in Florida .
Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win- win situation.
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. + Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border. Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes!
Think about these:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to
locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N-
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really
smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
T H E TEN C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full
of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
American Medical Association
Weights In On Health Care
Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Health Care Initiatives from the Obama
Administration.... The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists
had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists. The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' Oncologists fear it's malignant,
while Osteopaths see it as holistic.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons
decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .
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Grand PA & IRS
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable. ’I’m a
great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’ Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that
I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’ Grandpa removes his glass eye and
bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.’ Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures
and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s
attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of
your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’ The
auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty
much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘Not really,’
says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five
thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!
Medicare Question?
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.' 'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell
which is which.
That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he
finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
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Dr George Burns On Happiness
Happiness is a state of mind, it comes and goes. You can't be happy twenty-four hours a day . . .
twenty-three maybe. You deserve an hour for lunch.
1. I was born Nathan Birnbaum, and when I was a kid they called me Nat. That’s not all they called me.
2. Things these days aren’t all bad. The price of gas is coming down, the hemlines are going up
and despite everything people are living longer today than ever before.
3. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family; especially if they live in another city.
4, Happiness is hearing your proctologist say, “You can straighten up now.”
5, Happiness is telling your favorite joke without having Milton Berle beat you to the punch line.
6. Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman,
depending on how much happiness you can stand.
7. When he (Jack Benny) was with me he never stopped laughing. If I said anything, he fell on
the floor. If I didn't say anything, he fell on the floor. His suits were always at the cleaners.
8. Some of us get applause when we go onstage; Milton (Berle) gets applause when he goes to the shower.
9. I don’t believe in aggravation. I don’t let it keep me up nights. When I go to bed nothing
bothers me. If it does, I tell her to leave.
10. A hobby can be fun (Especially if your wife doesn’t find out)
11. This ninety-year-old man was arrested and charged with rape. He was so flattered he pleaded guilty.
12. When it comes to traveling these are some wonders I’d like to see: A cabdriver who understands
English, especially in America. A place in the world where you can't get a Big Mac and a Coke. A headwaiter
who hides his scorn when you order the house wine.
13. Happiness is being audited by the IRS and discovering that they owe you money.
14. Happiness is your mother-in-law developing an untreatable allergy to something in your house.
15. Failing once in a while builds character. I should know, I have more character than I know what to do with.
16. I worried about playing God. We’re about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods. Not
only am I making movies at eighty-eight, but as a senior citizen I only pay half price to see myself up there
on the screen.
17. I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
Morris and the Doctor
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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